Brianne, The Lapsed Catholic

I’ve always been passionate about my Catholic faith. I started really studying the catechism around the age of 14, and what I loved most was the logic of it. My devotion to my faith has primarily always been from a logical/academic standpoint. I envy those who talk about their personal relationship with God because I don’t quite know what that means or what that would feel like. I have always felt quite assured of the truth of my belief system, and therefore I loved God out of obligation, but I was never smitten with him. I would have loved to have been smitten with God. I have been smitten with men, so I know what that feels like. Presumably (hopefully) it’s not necessary to FEEL smitten with God to receive salvation. I think there are pros and cons to my experience with faith. On the pro side, it’s nearly impossible to lose my faith no matter how miserable, disenchanted, or disillusioned I feel. I’ve actually tried once or twice. Falling out of PRACTICE of my faith is easy. I have done so frequently throughout my life, at least in small ways, even when I was trying and intending to do well. But to actually stop believing in the truth of God and who I believe he has shown himself to be, and the teachings that I believe he has given us?  I couldn’t. I can’t. That belief is rooted in my brain and not my heart and when pressed to think it through, it remains the most logical and rational system of belief for me.  The downside of my faith residing in my brain rather than my heart, is that I find little to no consolation from it in my darkest, most painful times. Many times throughout the years, in the midst of great suffering, I have done the things that I know, not believe, KNOW (according to my belief system, lol) will provide me with grace. The truth is, I didn’t feel relief, I didn’t yearn for God, I found it burdensome.  I went to Mass, I went to Confession a lot, I prayed my rosary both with my family and alone. And I received grace for those acts of faith. I knew it then and I know it now - intellectually. But I felt no consolation. The best I could come up with is to think how much worse it might have been without those graces. 

My current difficulty with practicing my faith has nothing to do with questioning my belief system. It’s not about that. I don’t “blame” God. I still get all the things about free will and a fallen world and all the true answers we give to explain how a benevolent God could allow X, Y, and Z to happen. I understand the economy of grace. As one who believes in the teachings of the Catholic Church, I understand my obligation to practice my faith as taught by the Church, as revealed by Christ in the deposit of faith both in Scripture and Tradition and I understand that my lack of ignorance on these matters results in fairly significant culpability both in regards to my own soul and my responsibility for the souls of my children. My children… NOW I feel something. Dear God, what have I done to my children? How could I have failed them so miserably, and with this realization why have I not corrected it, or at least attempted, with great haste and urgency? 

The best answer that I can give is that I think I might be traumatized. Do I believe that God or the Church have traumatized me?  No, that would be foolish according to my particular thought processes. I know better than that. But my nervous system doesn’t seem to share my faith or my thought processes. I’m starting to freeze even as I begin to try to explain what happens in my brain and body when I try to pray or go into Church. I like to try to be at least a little eloquent in my writing and I generally find that I can explain the nuances and subtle details of my thoughts and feelings in writing far better than I can verbally. I don’t think that’s going to happen right now, so this might be clunky. Right now I can feel my heart rate increasing. I have tightness in my chest. I just noticed that I’m looking away from the computer screen as I type as though I can’t make eye contact. There goes the leg jiggling. I’ve stopped and started typing several times. Tears are forming. I want to run away right now. I feel light headed. It feels like panic. I want to think about anything else at all. My thoughts are fuzzy. My shoulders and arms are tight. My calves and feet are flexed and tense. It feels like panic. I don’t feel ok. 

I know I sound dramatic. I HATE being dramatic in public. I prefer to reassure everyone that I’m fine all the time. Heaven forbid I make anyone else uncomfortable with my stupid feelings. This is hard for me to share. I hate making excuses.  And I don’t know what to do because right now I can’t do it.  I can’t analyze it very well because it’s confusing and like I said, my brain is all fuzzed up and numb. My best guess is that the times I most fervently practiced my faith happened to coincide with the times that some of the worst things I’ve experienced were happening to me. Some events in my life that I believed with all my heart were signs of God’s presence and love for me turned out to be the greatest deceptions I ever bought into and the most massive sources of pain and suffering.  I don’t  blame God. That would be dumb (according to my belief system and thought patterns, I’m not judging anyone who does blame God). But against my will, and against my sense of reason and logic, I am terrified. Petrified. I am an emotional irrational creature who responds like a cornered animal when I try to face God, and this side of me is completely at odds with my thinking brain, and the disconnect and inability to overcome it vexes me, to put it mildly. 

It is my greatest hope and intention to overcome this and return to the practice of my faith because I believe it is right and good and necessary to do so. I’ve taken a couple of steps lately. Maybe it’s just one step. Every so often I very quickly and succinctly ask God to bring me back to the Church somehow, before I panic and distract myself with something else. It’s the best I’ve got for right now. Please do pray for me and for my children. I feel the weight of what I have done to their faith and formation the most. 

I thought I was going to make one very long post because next up I want to talk about divorce and annulment, and why I think we Catholics need to change the way we talk about it and think about it. But I’m discombobulated now, so look forward to my thoughts on that later, ha ha.