If you're a mom, you've probably talked about childbirth with other moms. Leading up to birth and for at least the first few months, if not years afterward, we're kind of obsessed with it. That's because it is likely the single most powerful and life changing experience you will physically, and possibly emotionally, endure as a woman. (Disclaimer: no, I did not just say you are not a real woman if you haven't given birth - seriously, I didn't.) So, you're a mom and you're chatting with other moms and maybe you're pregnant or maybe they're pregnant, or maybe there is a new baby there...so what are you going to talk about? Birth, of course! Now, if you're a homebirth mom, you've almost certainly had this conversation:
Other Mom: Where did you deliver?
You: In my bedroom!
Other Mom: Oh...was it a planned homebirth?
You: Yes, we had a midwife and a birth tub and my husband caught the baby and it was wonderful!
Other Mom: Well...homebirth sounds like a neat idea, but, well...I guess I'm just not brave enough. You're so brave!
Often this is followed by a tale of a minor, often intervention-caused complication that would have killed everyone had they been at home, but gee aren't you lucky that didn't happen to you.
Okay, look. I'm not anti-hospital birth at all. I probably have no way to possibly vent my frustrations about these conversations without sounding judgy or anti-hospital birth. But I promise I'm not. I am VERY pro-birthing-in-the-environment-in-which-you-feel-safest-and-most-comfortable, or PBITEIWYFSAMC for short. Do hospitals have a place in birthing? Yes. Are hospitals the safest place to be when you have a serious complication? Of course!
I'm not writing this to try to convince you that homebirth is safe. Honestly, I've already devoted hours upon hours of my life to researching the safety of homebirth and I'm really just too lazy to provide all of that data for you right now. And really, this information isn't new any more. At this point with so much information on the topic it's kind of just a given - an easily knowable and confirmable fact - for low risk pregnancies homebirth is as safe or safer than hospital birth. But just for kicks (and because it came up in my facebook newsfeed today) I'll throw this article out there for you as a starting point if you're really wondering:
Spoiler - it turns out it's pretty darn safe.
So, back to the bravery thing. The first time someone told me I was brave for having a homebirth, I was actually pretty confused. I didn't *feel* brave in deciding to have a homebirth. I couldn't really make sense of it in the moment of the conversation. Granted, this happens to me a lot. I frequently have conversations where I have no idea what's actually being said until I have time to think about it and process it later. It's why I prefer to communicate in writing, so I have time to decipher what people are getting at before responding. So particularly this first time someone told me I was brave, right there in the moment I was baffled. My eyebrows probably looked like this:
It seemed like a completely unrelated quality was being attributed to my birth choices. Like if they said, "Oh, a homebirth...wow, that's really...humble..."
After the first conversation like this I don't think I gave it much thought, and probably not the second one either. But by the third time, I realized what was actually being said.
"You're so brave to have a home birth" is code for, "I could never risk my baby's life like that, but whatever works for you, you thrill seeker, you!" I realize that this is an attempt at tact. And sure, tact has a place. I've certainly received much harsher and more direct criticism for my birth choices. This story from when I ran away to Utah to give birth to twins is a satire based on heavy criticism for that birth plan. By the way, if you haven't read it yet, you should. It's hilarious. I'm hilarious.
And actually, *that* particular birth story might qualify as brave. Not the condescending, I-would-never-take-that-risk sort of brave. Actual, going to extraordinary measures to do what you feel is safest for your babies at great personal cost...sure, I'll concede that that might be brave (ha ha, don't worry, I know you probably have some other words for that one.) But staying home to labor and birth? Not so much. Certainly not any more bravery than is required from any mom at the moment of birth.
I'm thinking of turning it around. Next time a mom is telling me about her birth in the hospital I'm going to pull an astounded face and say, "Wow, you gave birth in a hospital...I guess I'm just not brave enough to do that!" *Sigh*...no, I probably won't really. I'm actually very nice.
So, next time you are talking to a mom who is telling you about a homebirth and you are thinking that your response needs to somehow let her know that you just aren't into that kind of danger, here are some ideas of what to say instead:
"Wow, that sounds wonderful!"
"I don't know much about homebirth, but I'd like to learn more!"
"That's a great birth story!"
"Cute baby!"
It's really not a competition, and since you're definitely bright enough to realize with just a little bit of thought and effort that neither one of us is making some wildly dangerous birth choice here, we really don't need to make little comments to let each other know that if only we loved our babies a little less we might consider doing it your way.
And here you probably thought you were saying something nice...
Disclaimer: I only speak for myself. For all I know other homebirth moms love hearing how brave they are.
Edited to Add: I would be remiss if I didn't include Jim Gaffigan's thoughts on the matter:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFnLBv46CHs&feature=youtu.be
"You're so brave to have a home birth" is code for, "I could never risk my baby's life like that, but whatever works for you, you thrill seeker, you!" I realize that this is an attempt at tact. And sure, tact has a place. I've certainly received much harsher and more direct criticism for my birth choices. This story from when I ran away to Utah to give birth to twins is a satire based on heavy criticism for that birth plan. By the way, if you haven't read it yet, you should. It's hilarious. I'm hilarious.
And actually, *that* particular birth story might qualify as brave. Not the condescending, I-would-never-take-that-risk sort of brave. Actual, going to extraordinary measures to do what you feel is safest for your babies at great personal cost...sure, I'll concede that that might be brave (ha ha, don't worry, I know you probably have some other words for that one.) But staying home to labor and birth? Not so much. Certainly not any more bravery than is required from any mom at the moment of birth.
I'm thinking of turning it around. Next time a mom is telling me about her birth in the hospital I'm going to pull an astounded face and say, "Wow, you gave birth in a hospital...I guess I'm just not brave enough to do that!" *Sigh*...no, I probably won't really. I'm actually very nice.
So, next time you are talking to a mom who is telling you about a homebirth and you are thinking that your response needs to somehow let her know that you just aren't into that kind of danger, here are some ideas of what to say instead:
"Wow, that sounds wonderful!"
"I don't know much about homebirth, but I'd like to learn more!"
"That's a great birth story!"
"Cute baby!"
It's really not a competition, and since you're definitely bright enough to realize with just a little bit of thought and effort that neither one of us is making some wildly dangerous birth choice here, we really don't need to make little comments to let each other know that if only we loved our babies a little less we might consider doing it your way.
And here you probably thought you were saying something nice...
Disclaimer: I only speak for myself. For all I know other homebirth moms love hearing how brave they are.
Edited to Add: I would be remiss if I didn't include Jim Gaffigan's thoughts on the matter:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFnLBv46CHs&feature=youtu.be
