How to Get Rid of the Schwan Man

Alternate title:  Reason #4,357 to Never Answer the Front Door

This post is dedicated to my husband, who like me, generally has an aversion to warm & fuzzy, emotional or inspirational things and therefore was a little bitter about being suckered into reading my terribly unfunny post yesterday.

It was Fall, 2006.  I was pregnant with the twins but I did not yet know that they were twins.  Therefore I was ginormously huge for no apparent reason.  I figured that's just what happens to one's body when pregnant with a fourth baby.  By the 48th time a stranger asked me, "Due soon?" and then went into utter shock when I told them not till January, I should have had a clue but I didn't.

It was a lovely fall day.  I was in the bedroom working and watching the kids through the window playing on the trampoline in the backyard.  Josh was home for two weeks from his job at the drilling camp and he was helpfully mopping the front room with his music blasting.  Then, several things happened at once.  The doorbell rang and just at that moment I glanced outside and saw the children fighting.  I actually don't remember who was killing who - Sebastian was pretty feisty back then and they were closer in size.  So lets say it was Sebastian, kneeling on top of Isaak with his hands around his neck.  I yelled for Josh but he was talking to someone at the front door.  I quickly hopped up - well as quickly as someone that large could hop...and it was probably more of a lurching motion than a hopping one - and ran, okay waddled with great urgency, out of the room to rescue my children from each other.  Now remember, Josh had been mopping.  So I got through the back hallway and hit the family room with all the speed I could muster when I slipped on the slick wet floor.  My feet went out from under me and I crashed on the ground in clear view of the front door.  I was fine, but I was still in a panic about the scene I had witnessed in the backyard so I was laying on the ground yelling, "Get the boys!  They're killing each other, go stop them!"

I'm not sure what was going on in my dear sweet husband's head at this time.  He is a people pleaser and was pleasantly chatting up the Schwan man who was trying to get us to try his services.  I can only assume that between the suddenness and the chaos and the guy at the front door and his people pleasing tendencies he became confused and just wanted to smooth everything over for the stranger on the door step and make him comfortable.  He glanced back and seeing his whale of a wife sprawled out behind him, furrowed his brow.  He turned back to the Schwan man and said, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"  Mr. Schwan looked understandably alarmed and said, "Is she okay?"  The only thing on my mind was saving the children from each other.  Urgently I said again, "I'm fine, I'm totally fine, get the boys, stop the boys!"  Josh couldn't make sense of what I was saying about the boys but he took my word for it that I was fine.  He said, "I think she's okay.  What days did you say you deliver?"  Mr. Schwan, who was reacting to the situation like a far more normal person than either of us were clearly able to pretend to be, was not remotely assuaged by Josh's pleasant demeanor.  "Are you sure she's okay?  Her arm looks really bad."  Josh and I both glanced at my arm.  It did look really bad, bent at a completely unnatural angle.  Josh pleasantly replied, "Oh no, her arm goes that way, she does that all the time."  In Josh's defense, my arm does go that way and I do do it with some frequency, although "all the time" might be a bit of an over statement.  My arm is "double-jointed" and can appear to be horribly contorted if I turn it just so.  Here, I'll show you:

The Schwan man had had enough.  He said, "Maybe I should come back another time."  Josh smiled and said, "That'd be great!"  Mr. Schwan hurried away.  As soon as the door was closed, Josh's expression changed from the consoling, "You're okay, I'm okay she's okay," smile to a bewildered, "What the hell just happened?" sort of look.  He helped me up and I hobbled to the back door to rescue the children, who by this time were over whatever it was that was going on when I had first looked out the window and happily bouncing and playing again.

The Schwan man did NOT come back later.  In fact, a few other times he was in the neighborhood going door to door and yet, for some strange reason, never came knocking at our house again.  Which was fine, because Josh was never planning on ordering in the first place.

Take a Picture, It Will Last Longer

*

I have just finished up a full month of neglecting my family.  You see, I got a photo project for my scanning business.  A HUGE photo project.  Nearly 30,000 images.  The client knew it was "a lot" of pictures.  They guessed somewhere around 5,000.  I gave an estimated deadline based on that figure and got to work.  As I opened each new box of photo albums and began to realize that "a lot" was turning into a lot more than either of us would have ever guessed, I kept thinking, "Well, I'll just add a few more hours to my work day, I can still hit the deadline."  I added "a few more hours" to every work day and still needed an additional 2 weeks, but the client was very understanding.

What that meant for my family was a crazy, never available, constantly stressed out zombie mama.  Or, as someone who is not a fan of my choice to have all the babies recently put it, a "mombie" (apparently that's a specially designed insult for people who like to have children).  You may or may not know this about me, but I can be a bit obsessive.  It's not like I can set work hours and just work during those times and leave work at the computer desk and enjoy normal family life during my off time.  And if I did I never would have finished on time anyway.  So every day, from the moment I woke up to the moment I stumbled over to the couch and passed out for just a "quick nap" it was work work work all the time.  The children were great.  I promised them many awesome things for their patience and accommodation as they ferried babies back and forth to me for nursing, and (mostly) kept up on chores and watched an unholy amount of television.  The big ones were able to help a bit too, pulling photos from albums and some scanning.  Josh took over the grocery shopping and either made dinner from scratch or expedited meals that I had  in the freezer.  I was up all night most nights because that is when I could get the most done.

During this time I was completely immersed in the lives of a family I had never met.  With a project this size I can't help but get intimately familiar with the people in the pictures.  It's never my intention to nose into their lives and extrapolate stories and compile detailed life histories.  The goal is to move quickly and I don't waste time studying their pictures to see what I can glean.  Nevertheless, in any photo project I look at each photograph a minimum of 2 times and as many as 4 times.  Once when removing the photos from the album (if they are in albums), again when scanning, a third time when running through the scanned images to make sure they are properly oriented, and a fourth if they request labeling.

At some point in the process, while I never become a part of their lives, they become a part of mine.   I journey with them through the most notable and memorable points in their lives.  (You can tell they are the most notable and memorable points because it was important enough to them to take pictures.)  I get to see the old black and whites of little babies and the style of photography and film development from the thirties and forties.  I get to watch these little babies get older and have birthdays and go to prom and graduate.  I get to witness the changing fashions and hairstyles through the decades.  I get to virtually attend their weddings and see them having babies of their own and on and on it continues.  Eventually I get to see these people, who I've now known since birth, grow old.  In one project I did like this a couple of years ago, we returned the completed project on the day of the funeral of the patriarch of the family.  If that's not a poignant reminder of how quickly time goes, I don't know what is.

Did I mention that I'm obsessive?  Throughout this process, all I can think of is how to make the most of  my time with my family - all while not spending any time with them because I need to get the project done.  Look at all the life they have lived!  Look at all of the memories!  Look at everything they have accomplished!  Look what they have done that I haven't! I'm in my prime right now, still able to create new life and able to give so much time and so many experiences to my growing children.  I don't fear growing old in and of itself, but I do fear growing old and feeling like I wasted my life and that I didn't do enough or be enough for my children.  Because in the end, all that will be left of me here on earth are the memories that my children have of me and the stories and pictures that they pass on to their children.  Naturally I am now overwhelmed with guilt and panic.

But I am done!  And now I am freshly inspired to be awesome and to be loving and to let every moment be an opportunity for a positive memory for both me and my children.  So, new or renewed resolutions are as follows:

1. Take more pictures of myself and my husband.  I take plenty (more than plenty, you are probably thinking ,if you know me on facebook) of the children.  But no matter how I feel about my current appearance or weight, I know that my children and grandchildren will appreciate having a record of us when we are gone.

2. Don't just take posed pictures, take pictures of experiences.  Even if we aren't doing anything that special, if we are happy enjoying life, take a picture.  This might not mean much for future generations, but when I am older I will be able to look back at those pictures and recall how I felt and the joy in that moment.

3.  DON'T take pictures of everything...this is a little contrary to what I just said, but I think there can be value in just enjoying life and enjoying the time together without pulling out the camera.  I've notice sometimes when the kids are having a spontaneous dance party or something and I have to run and get the camera to take pictures or video tape it can take away from the moment a little bit sometimes.

4. Work and chores and obligations and even time-wasting internet surfing (or blogging) all have to be done or have their own value.  But don't let them take up all of your time.  It's cliche, but time really does go so very very fast.  I mean, it only took me a month to go through a stranger's entire life.  Okay, yes just in photos, but still the photos and the memories are what are left when that life is over.  Take time, right now, today, just for laughing and loving and looking at each other.

To wrap up, I think I'd be remiss not to throw in a shameless business plug...

Make your memories last for generations to come!  Whether you have just inherited a lifetime of photo albums, need a picture for Throwback Thursday, or even just have a build up of paper you can't get rid of, Forever Photos and Files can meet all of your digitizing needs!  Find us on the web: Forever Photos and Files

*Disclaimer - this post is not terribly amusing and is full of somewhat morose introspection.  Should I have put this at the beginning of the post before I suckered you into reading the whole thing?  Nah...