In Favor of Having Too Many Children...

 … or not having too many children. Either way, really. 

I’m not in the habit of giving advice. We’ve been over this. I’m the last person to give any advice on anything. And if I did it would be wildly inconsistent. For example, if I were to give advice on “family planning” (a phrase that irritates me for a variety of reasons), I would advise against having 12 children.  I would definitely advise against having twins. However, I would also strongly advise ONLY having children after having already had several other children. And I would advise having twins ONLY after already having twins at least 10 years older. You see the problem here. I can’t be trusted with advice. I’d better just stick with my own personal experiences and you can make of them what you will.

I am not a great mother. I’m really not. I had NO idea what I was doing with my first several children, which is unfortunate because I put a lot more effort into them and parenting philosophies and whatnot than I have with subsequent children. Now I actually feel like I have quite a good idea of what I’m doing, but I have so much less time and energy to do it. Which actually works out okay, honestly, most of the time. I guess I should clarify that when I’m speaking of doing well as a mother, or not doing well as a mother, I’m strictly referring to the emotional approach, discipline, conflict resolution, communication, etc. I am, in no way, shape, or form, referring to doing crafts, providing activities, being organized, being the classroom mom who is heavily involved in the school activities, or whatever else. I’m not the mom with the Band-Aids and spare snacks in her purse. I fail all day every day at those, and I don’t even feel bad about it any more. That’s not me and I’m okay with that. 

So anyway, emotionally, for the most part, I’m a pretty okay mom now. Everything was so intense when I was new. And I’m a slow learner so I was “new” for a long time. And really, every single stage was new until the first batch got to adulthood… and even parenting adults is new now, but I think I’m doing okay for the most part. I mean, I have no money or property so it’s not like I can even make the mistake of enabling them to not make their own way. But back to the young ones… I was so concerned all of the time with how to teach them and discipline them into being good, decent people. I tried so many approaches and disciplinary philosophies. I had systems galore, which were useful at times to keep things running. Honestly, I’m pretty pro-system, and I think that if I were around to implement one it would be a positive for everyone because with my emotional approach now it would likely go much better. I now work full time, and my time around them is limited so we have low-level basic systems that aren’t enough to keep up on everything, but it’s not worth the trade off to use the small amount of time we have together making everyone keep up on everything the entire time. 

I punished a LOT when the big ones were little. I am very ashamed of it now and I believe it harmed them. I confiscated and then threw away toys as punishments. I did standing in corners. When they relaxed too much in the corner I did standing on a stool in the middle of the room. I spanked, but when the first few got too old for that I let that one go. I was always uncertain about that one. I grounded quite a bit. I charged fines. I gave “consequences” which were usually small cleaning tasks. I kept a tally. One particular kid, at the age of 17, once accumulated more than 60 consequences. It was absurd. I am ashamed. You can judge me because I deserve it. It was never malicious. I simply had NO idea what I was doing and I believed that I had to do SOMETHING to teach them right from wrong and hold them accountable for wrongdoing. 

Do you have any idea how much easier it is now that I don’t do any of that? Like, ANY of it. Not only that, my younger kids who aren’t forced to suffer through all of that bullshit are more emotionally mature and more capable of taking responsibility for mistakes than the other ones who got all the punishments were. And I don’t know that I can give a “method”.  Because I don’t think it’s a “method”, necessarily. It’s an internal change in myself. If I didn’t know it and feel it and internalize what I now believe about children and humans, I wouldn’t be able to fake my way through a “method”. I pretty much NEVER try to figure out who did wrong, and certainly not what exactly they did wrong, if any wrongdoing was done at all. It’s pretty much entirely, “Why do you feel bad?” When kids act up they feel bad for some reason. Having someone care that you feel bad almost entirely neutralizes at least the immediate negative side effects. People who feel cared about, especially children, find it easier to care about others. I still have to make executive decisions. I’m not sugary sweet and nice about every single thing, and I’m okay with that. There is still plenty of, “Yeah, no. Absolutely not.”; “Knock it off!”; “You’re going to have to make that noise somewhere else because I can’t deal.”; “Of course it’s not fair, I don’t have time to make everything fair.”; “Yeah, it’s a bummer, but that’s still just how it is.”; etc., etc.  I do all that, and then the rest of the time, I’m mostly just telling my kids that their feelings make sense. And asking them to care about each other’s feelings. And making executive decisions that they still may not like, but they go over a lot better knowing that I get why they feel the way they feel and that I took it into account. I couldn’t really do that before. I get irritated and I get fed up, but I’m hardly ever mad… I just don’t have the energy for it and it doesn’t help anyone anyway. I’m almost pathological about being non-reactive. It used to be that one kid would come tell me something unacceptable that another kid had done and I would be like, “They did what??” and I’d be ready to go to address the thing.  I almost NEVER react like that at all anymore. It’s more like, “Wow, that sounds intense, I wonder what they were thinking when they did that?  I bet there are more details that would make this make more sense. How did YOU feel when that happened? Yeah, that makes sense, I might feel that way too. I wonder how they felt when it happened?”  The kid who was so gung-ho to tell me the egregious thing almost always chills immediately when I start asking these questions.  Oh yeah, and NO resolution ever comes while people are escalated. And getting escalated with them just makes everything worse. So we wait for de-escalation to even get into it. It’s almost never an emergency, we can almost always get into it later when calmer. 

I didn’t even mean to get into all that. Sigh. I’m just saying it’s so much easier to love my kids the way that they deserve to be loved having already experimented and failed at other approaches. Sucks right? Super unfair to the first ones. They do seem to forgive me and love me quite a bit despite my appalling mistakes, which is a relief, because it doesn’t always go that way. 

What DID I mean to write about? Hell if I know. Let’s see, pros and cons of having too many children. So pros would be: after life has completely broken you down and you’ve made a ton of mistakes and failed and traumatized your children horribly… you start to get better at it and the later kids get an emotionally positive and validating upbringing that not everyone gets to have. 

Other pros: Growing up with a lot of older siblings who are involved kind of kicks ass. There are cons to that too. But I think overall my kids find it to be pretty awesome. Some of the older siblings randomly do crazy fun activities that mom would probably never think of or is too tired for. Older siblings give a lot of feedback to younger siblings about problems and social things they are going through. Older siblings provide protection to younger siblings from peers. I am noticing that a lot of these benefits seem to be more for the younger kids than the older kids. All of them really. They get better parenting AND a bunch of cool older siblings to help them out. But for some reason, even though the older ones had it a lot rougher, and had to grow up a lot faster, and definitely had too many responsibilities… they all seem to think it’s pretty cool to have such a big family. They seem pretty proud of it. Sometimes the big ones have terrible fights and conflicts, but they seem to all genuinely care about each other. Everyone is always up in everyone else’s business. It’s hard to keep any secrets because it’s kind of like each kid has at least one sibling who they don’t keep any secrets from so it’s usually going to get all the way around. Heck, I know more than I want to know sometimes too because they all tell me just about everything anyway - you know, because I’m pretty non-reactive. All I’m going to do is ask everyone how they feel about everything and remind them to keep in mind how other people feel as well. 

Dude, I could have saved so much typing if I just said that in the first place. Good parenting/human-ing: Ask how people feel, care how they feel, encourage caring about how others feel too.  The end. You can do it for pretty much anything. Oh, and ask if they would change anything the next time.

Kid: Mom, I burned down the school today.

Me: Wow, that’s intense, what led up to that? 

Kid: *Whatever answer.*

Me: How did that make you feel to do that? Do you regret it or do you feel like you would do it again in the same scenario?

Kid: *Whatever answer.*

Me: Was anyone hurt? How do you think the other people involved felt? I bet they were (fill in the blanks… scared, shocked, in excruciating pain, etc.). 

Kid: *Whatever answer.*

Me: Well, honestly I find this a bit concerning, for a number of reasons. I’m sorry you were in a situation where you felt like this was your best option. But yeah, I’ll definitely visit you in jail. Yeah, I mean, I love you no matter what, but I think you might want to give some thought as to whether this approach ended up being the most effective for you or if there is a better way to go in the future, and also definitely take some time to give some thought to how it affected other people/community, etc., and what they are going through - probably some reparations are due there in some form.

I mean… I intentionally gave an extreme and hyperbolic example, but I honestly don’t see how losing my shit would improve the outcome for anyone or teach a lesson. If  they’ve gone so far as arson, something entirely different than that communication pattern went wrong a long long time ago… like maybe having their toys thrown away or being dealt 67 consequences for talking back or something. 

Anyway, it makes them all think I’m really awesome too. They think I’m like, the BEST mom. They tell all their friends that I’m the best mom. When their friends meet me, they agree that I’m like, the BEST mom. It feels a little underhanded like I cheated the system or something. I don’t even bake. 

So, cons of having too many children: My body is fairly well destroyed. I literally was not capable of meeting all of my responsibilities to my children and I’m still not. I couldn’t even when I was a stay at home mom. I definitely can’t now that I work full time. Extracurriculars are nearly impossible unless you manage to get everyone into the same extracurricular at the same time. There are probably better mom’s than me (actually there are definitely better moms than me) who can do it well with the same amount of kids, but I honestly don’t know how they can or do, especially when you don’t have additional drivers yet. The exhaustion of pregnancy and newborns with several other children made it very very hard to meet their needs, physical OR emotional, while I did that over, and over, and over. 

And, realistically, I ended up with a failed marriage, so there’s a pretty good clue I shouldn’t have had so very many kids in a marriage that was failing from the start. And that’s a thing you’re not supposed to say, right? I’m supposed to say that I regret nothing because no matter what I want each and every one of these exact children that I have. But you know what? I do want each and every one of these exact children that I have, AND I definitely shouldn’t have done it. Weird, right? I shouldn’t have. I had too many children. I’m grateful for them all. But it was a terrible idea. Poor execution too. I’m going to allow myself to say it. However, being in the scenario I am now, with the failed marriage and all, thank God I have all these big kids who inexplicably love the hell out of me and support me and make it possible for me to work and manage all these little kids and fill in so many gaps.  It’s like a problem with its own solution, that wouldn’t need the solution if I hadn’t made the problem in the first place, but I did, and there it is. 

What was my point again?  I think it’s something like… you probably shouldn’t have too many children, but if you do, be sure to have WAY too many and it might work itself out. 

Also, there is literally nothing to do at work today. Like nothing at all. I did all of my tasks. I did all of my backup tasks. I did some tasks for some other people. I made up some imaginary tasks and did those. My boss doesn’t even have any ideas for me. So I’m bored. I have no idea if some corporate person somewhere is monitoring my computer usage. And if they are, I hope they think of some tasks for me, because THIS is how I’m using my time now. SMH.

I'm Not Saying to Stop Giving Us Socks, BUT...

Alternate Titles:

So Long and Thanks For All the Socks

I’ve Been Sock-Shamed

Socklessness is Not the Greatest Problem Facing America’s Poor (potentially too presumptuous, I shouldn’t speak for others)

Sockless by Choice

A couple of weeks ago, one of my children came home with a brand new package of socks, fresh from the store. Perplexed, I asked why. “I don’t know, my teacher gave them to me.” Did the teacher give everyone socks? “No, just me.” Upon further questioning, it was revealed that said child has not been wearing socks to school (which frankly, other than finding it preferable to wear socks, is not something I have the emotional energy to mandate). When asked about it, instead of explaining that it is her preference not to wear socks, she thought it would be easier to justify her choice by claiming not to have any.  Sigh. 

I was embarrassed, but again, I lack the emotional energy to be overly mortified. I briefly thought about emailing the teacher and being like, “Hey, just so you know we do have socks, she just doesn’t like wearing them,” but I felt like that would exacerbate the embarrassment. Undoubtedly the teacher would respond kindly, perhaps share why she feels socks are important (which I’m not saying they aren’t), and emphasize to please let her and the school know if we have unmet needs so they can help… which we do, but they are a lot more expensive than socks. Things like another vehicle and therapy. You know, stuff that doesn’t fit in a backpack. 

The next day I was getting Oliver ready for preschool. Oliver also is not a fan of socks. Again, low-emotional-energy mom here… I don’t have it in me to fight about socks on a daily basis. I would like it if they wore socks. The shoes smell when the kids don’t wear socks. But whatever. Nevertheless, on this particular day, with the mild-to-moderate embarrassment of being assumed to be too poor to afford socks fresh on my feelings, I decided to try to put socks on him. I was quickly reminded that of classic blunders I try to avoid, in addition to never getting involved in a land war in Asia, never get involved in a power struggle with a three-year-old is pretty high on my list. I casually brought out the socks and tried to slip them on his feet, hoping he wouldn’t notice.  Foolish, foolish mommy. Of course he noticed. “I don’t want socks!” I tried to play it cool. “Look, Mommy has socks! They will keep your feet cozy warm and feel nice in your shoes!” *Reassuring smile*   Yeah, no. He started to flip out so I tried to backtrack. “That’s fine, you don’t have to wear socks.” Too late. The next 15 minutes were an intense back and forth of him vacillating between wanting socks more than anything he ever wanted in his life to vehemently despising them, and me, for ever suggesting them.  I went full Switzerland, utterly neutral to whatever he decided about the socks, but it was too late to extricate myself from the drama. I ended up having to put him in the car with neither socks nor shoes on his feet. In the end he decided at the last minute to put both the socks and the shoes on, but only after I started to back out of my parking space at the preschool to go home because he was clearly too escalated to be in public. He proceeded to have the worst drop off, followed by the worst day ever. When I picked him up, his teachers told me it was a rough one. I decided to explain that this all started because my older daughter came home with new socks, but that I would not likely be choosing this battle with him again.  They commiserated and laughed with me about the ridiculousness of the whole thing, and Mr. T even went so far as to reassure me that he didn’t like socks either at that age. 

Fast forward to a week later. A new teacher started at the preschool. She is now the head teacher for his room. She had been hired at the end of summer, but her start was delayed by the background check process. A few days in, she excitedly handed me a paper outlining the allegedly optional and even more allegedly “fun” sartorial schemes and themes for upcoming “homecoming” week. I tried to manage her expectations up front. “I’m not sure that he has any green clothes… hmmm, we definitely don’t have anything sports themed,” etc. She helpfully assured me that this was a week away and there was plenty of time to figure it out. I tried to play up the overwhelmed-single-working-mom-of-12 angle and that I’m not even always the one getting him ready for school because of my work schedule, etc. Anything but outright saying, “I do not value this assignment (event? project?) enough to acquire new clothes and/or make sure these things are laundered for the right day.” Undeterred, she recounted how when her kids were little, sometimes she would lay everything out a week in advance to make it smooth and easy when it was time. My brain said, “Are you out of your mind?” but my mouth said, “Oh, that’s very forward thinking.” 

She cheerfully went back to the flier she had given me, “So anyway, it’s just a fun way for the kids to feel some school and community spirit, and they always have fun with crazy sock day!” My face betrayed me. I let out a chuckle. She looked me in the eye with great sincerity and said, “We can help if you need socks.” Sigh. I tried to explain the dramatic sock-centered events of the previous week in a light, humorous way. She looked skeptical and assured me again that if we ever did feel like we needed socks she was there to help.  

For the record, we have socks. We have a lot of socks. I don’t even know where they all came from. For all I know, well-meaning strangers and community members have been donating socks to my family on the down low for years. I even buy socks on occasion. I stopped trying to match socks after laundering years ago. I have maintained a sock bin, basket, or drawer for years. Anyone who cares to wear matching socks has the option of digging through the collection for matches, but several of us (myself included) do not value the matching of socks enough to make the effort. Some of my younger kids might not even realize that it is the norm in the rest of society to wear matching socks (if they choose to wear them at all).  Whoops. But the main takeaway here is that we have socks. Lots of socks. More than enough socks for everyone. No really, we have them, I swear. 

Pro-Marriage, Pro-Family, Pro-Divorce

Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable a lot of the more vocal Catholics (and Catholic leaders) are in talking about the possibility of legitimate reasons for separation, divorce, and annulment? Begrudgingly, when pressed, some will admit, “Well, ok, if there’s actual abuse, a separation may be permissible, but have you heard of these saints who stayed and suffered and/or died for the sake of their marriage? Have you considered going that route instead?”  Like, what? What exactly is going on with that? Why are people so very squeamish about the very real reality that some marriages really aren’t valid (and probably a lot more than you think)? Or that some marriages that ARE valid still rightly and justly require separation and even legal dissolution? And what the heck do they think qualifies as abuse anyway?  Hint - it’s not only beatings. 

It’s almost as if some think that if we vocally legitimize the existence of illegitimate or harmful marriages, we will have an epidemic of otherwise committed and validly married Catholics suddenly deciding they just don’t feel like bothering with their marriages anymore. And again, like, what? I don’t actually know for sure that that’s what the concern is or why this topic is barely afforded a dismissive sentence or two as though it’s so out of the norm for a marriage to be invalid and/or harmful that it’s hardly worth considering. It’s my best guess. I recently saw a post from a friend that said annulment should NEVER (!) be considered. Keep in mind, an annulment means that the Catholic Church that we claim to have faith in has investigated and determined that the marriage was never valid in the first place.  If we believe in the Catholic Church, then in obedience, we submit to the concept that she has the authority to make such a determination… to say that annulment should never be considered is the equivalent of saying that the truth should never be considered. It’s not okay. It is downright scandalous! Disclaimer: Obviously, no one is obligated to seek an annulment even in the case that one surely would be granted, and we are to presume the marriage is valid unless and until such a ruling is granted. 

Look, it’s time to quit focusing on the wrong things. I get it. The family is the core structure of society and the breakdown of the family leads to the breakdown of society. But how exactly does trapping people in invalid and/or harmful marriages help society? I guarantee you, it doesn’t. 

For the purposes of my rant, I’m going to focus primarily on women as victims trapped in harmful, destructive, desanctifying, society-breaking marriages. I am very aware that men can be victims of harmful toxic women as well. I have seen this up close and first hand. It’s a real thing that needs attention and real discussion. However that is not going to be my focus, which is in no way intended to belittle or dismiss those experiences. 

For starters, discussion of and identification of harmful behavior within marriages needs to become normalized, somehow. In homilies, in marriage prep, by Catholic influencers and celebrities, whoever has a voice. These things are hard to talk about even for those of us who have been through it because it’s deeply personal, it’s humiliating, we have children whose own privacy deserves protecting, and who may not benefit from knowing all of the details themselves. I probably could not bring mysself write this post on behalf of myself alone. I truly don’t believe I can blame anyone but myself for staying in a harmful marriage for far longer than I should have. Nonetheless, I had no idea that I was in a harmful marriage for the vast majority of it. I have spent the past three years or so communicating with and reading the experiences of faithful Catholic women who are being deeply harmed by their marriages but don’t know for sure if it “counts” as bad enough, have never been told that it’s harmful, have been dismissed when they reach out for help, who for many years didn’t even realize that they were being deeply harmed, who never heard a word from those within the Church about what it should and shouldn’t be like. 

I’ve never met a faithful Catholic woman who was eagerly looking for an excuse to get out of her marriage because she just didn’t feel like dealing with the normal pressures and stresses of marriage, or because she wasn’t willing to sacrifice, or she just wasn’t that committed. I can’t think of even one. On the contrary, every woman I have encountered who is being truly and deeply harmed by their spouse in a pattern of harmful ongoing behavior and dynamics wants nothing more than to save her marriage. They sacrifice and then sacrifice some more. They pray. They work on themselves. When the problems seem to get worse instead of better, they sometimes reach for outside help, but they cover for him. They won’t share what’s really happening, and honestly, sometimes they aren’t really even sure. There are sometimes overt things happening that are obvious and easy to spot as wrong, but the rest of the time there are many covert and confusing dynamics and manipulations that lead them to be very uncertain of their own reality or what’s really happening. They don’t know how to seek help or what to say when they do because they aren’t even really sure how to identify the patterns or pervasive, ongoing, harmful behavior because they are so very ready to take the blame for it, or accept it, or try to figure out what THEY are doing to cause it. 

And guess what happens if she does figure it out? If she finds her voice and is finally ready to say clearly and unapologetically what’s really happening? Maybe she goes to a priest or a Catholic therapist. Suddenly, she’s not really believable as a victim. A victim is meek, and sweet, and mild, right?  A woman who says, “This is happening and it’s not okay,” is a bitch and a nag, ungrateful and unappreciative. She probably needs to pray and submit more, and be a little more understanding, right?  How absolutely crushing to finally muster up the courage to reach out for help, to finally shed light on what she has been enduring after years of covering and denial and pain, and be looked at and spoken to with disapproval as though she is clearly pushing him to behave this way with her complaints and bad attitude. And she is isolated and trapped and self doubting again. Trying harder again with no end or solution in sight.

And don’t get me started on couples counseling. Couples counseling is contraindicated for situations of abuse (which again, encompasses so much more than beatings). Couples counseling is great (so I’ve heard) for two people who are willing and wanting to learn how to care for each other better and grow together in love. Normal, non-harmful people have things they need to work on.  Normal, non-harmful people do things that hurt each other sometimes. Couples counseling is for people who want to take responsibility for problems in the marriage and improve individually and together. A victim of abusive behavior cannot take responsibility for their spouse’s harmful behavior. She did not cause it. There are no improvements that she can make that will change it or heal it or fix it. Every so often the counselor recognizes the harmful patterns and reaches out to individually offer help to the one being harmed… but far more often couples counseling escalates and exacerbates the harm being done.

What if we normalized  talking about harmful behavior in marriages? What if there was help and support readily available and known about and advertised for women (men too, but someone else can talk about that, as I said) in harmful marriages? What if it wasn’t so taboo for those who are safe to do so, to talk about harmful behavior in marriage, how to identify it, to have it be common knowledge so that women can recognize it, to support separation, divorce when wise, and annulment when applicable and necessary? Honestly, I don’t know that more information or familiarity with harmful dynamics would have helped me. I am stubborn, I am idealistic, I’m not great at taking advice, I don’t learn my lesson until I cause myself unsustainable harm. That’s me. But if it were common knowledge how to identify persistent, ongoing patterns of harmful behavior, some women might be helped sooner. If little girls grew up hearing what is and is not okay, beyond just the extremes, maybe some seeds would be planted to help them recognize harmful relationships beyond beatings. If we heard more homilies, if Catholic publications and speakers and ministries made it commonplace and comfortable to talk about, maybe more women would realize and get out sooner before even more damage is done. 

You may think the dissolution of a harmful and/or invalid marriage is bad for souls, or bad for the Church or bad for society, but you know what’s REALLY bad for souls, the Church, and society? Traumatized children and perpetuating cycles of harm and abuse. I mean, I kind of get how we can dismiss women… not really, but I know how I have dismissed myself, and how others have done the same to themselves. We’re called to be like Christ, right? He was abused. He was tortured. He suffered. He died. And look at those saintly women!  Look at St. Monica! My best (okay not best, but vague potential) answer for that is what the Bible tells us our relationships are supposed to look like. I have heard two or three homilies on that passage about women submitting to their husbands where the priest, to his credit, made a point to put the focus on the second part where husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. My point is not some kind of tit for tat, that we’re only called to be lovingly submissive IF we pettily assess him to be loving us well enough. Whatever. That’s not my focus here. I’m just saying, it’s the husbands who are commanded to die for us, to shield us from harm, to protect and cherish us. I’m not a biblical scholar, so maybe I’m missing something. But I’m positive that the sacrificial love that we are called to in marriage is NOT intended to promote accepting ongoing, pervasive harm from our spouse and the idea that it is, is a greater threat to the sanctity of marriage than annulment or divorce ever will be. 

So back to the children. Even if you have convinced yourself that you are called to accept ongoing harm as your cross to bear, or if you are not in this kind of marriage yourself, even if you believe that those sinful, selfish women should just pray more and quietly submit and offer it up… you need to slow your roll for a minute. Because I can’t think of a single teaching or way to twist any teaching that justifies harming children and putting them on the cross before they ever learn or experience what true sacrificial love is. There is a movement and a belief that divorce harms children… I’m not saying it doesn’t, but we’re focusing on the wrong thing. I’m not going to sit here and act like divorce is great for kids. It’s not. Divorce is a tragedy. But by the time you get to the point of divorce, almost certainly the harm has been going on for a long time and the dissolution of the marriage, while tragic, may very well be the only way out and the first step towards healing, towards even having a shot, even though the effects of childhood trauma are going to be ongoing, and likely a forever wound. It’s convenient to blame divorce, but it’s shameful to be vocal about the evils of divorce without recognition of why it may be necessary. 

Dysfunctional, harmful marriages harm children. Full stop. Mothers on the receiving end of a pervasive pattern of ongoing harmful behavior often think they can mitigate the damage and hide the harm from their children, but this is a lie we tell ourselves. Smiling harder and pretending everything is fine doesn’t fool them. The children of harmful marriages are often extremely emotionally dysregulated. They do not learn what healthy relationships or sacrificial love is supposed to look like. They have higher rates of anxiety and depression. They often follow the examples that they see, becoming anxious, co-dependent people pleasers to their own detriment and the detriment of their future children, or they don’t know how to handle their own uncomfortable emotions without harming others. They rage. They act out. They self harm. They grow up and enter dysfunctional relationships and continue the cycle. This can happen after divorce too, but the divorce is not the root. We need to go upstream. 

Providing more education to prevent harmful unions in the first place would be a great first step. Supporting those who find themselves in harmful unions and helping them to escape them and move forward in restoring their dignity as a child of God worthy of love and protection, might be a good second step. Look, I don’t really have solutions. My first step towards recognizing the problem and getting help was stumbling across a group of women who had been in similar situations and hearing their stories and learning from what they did to break free. Perhaps one day if I can manage to get back to the practice of my faith I will start a ministry of some kind. I would love to be able to make an announcement after Mass, “If you are experiencing *this* you are not alone and it’s not okay, come to my support group,” or put it in the bulletin. I can already imagine this not being permitted or supported.  That’s okay, I’ll get feisty. I’ll join all the other ministries and Bible studies and women’s groups and make my own little flyers and business cards and get evangelical about it.  I’ll be that problem parishioner that makes people uncomfortable with her new fangled ideas about women’s rights. I’ll take the blame for the destruction of marriages if it helps women recognize that they are being harmed and move forward to protect themselves and their children. But, you know, that’s a long way out… I probably need to start talking to God again and things of that nature first. 

So, having said all that, I think these problems are a lot more common than we want to admit. I think there are a lot of women who are isolated and confused and dying inside.  I think I probably have friends who are in harmful marriages and either haven’t realized it yet, or don’t know what to do about it (I have no names in mind, I just think it’s statistically likely). I’m not a mental health professional, I’m not an expert. I’m just a lady who got out with the help of other ladies who got out.  They probably don’t even know how much they helped me, I mostly read their stories and slowly realized what I was living was not okay. But anyway, as a non-professional, non-expert, I want to give a list in random order of some indicators of a harmful relationship in case it helps anyone.  Any or all of these things, I imagine, could happen on occasion with anyone. A pervasive pattern is fairly key I think. Also, no, this list is not an expose about me and my own marriage. Some of these things happened, some of them didn’t.  I’ve been listening to women’s stories for a long time and these are some pretty common ones, but the list is not exhaustive.

Can you communicate feelings, concerns, problems, hurts, etc. to your spouse and communicate in a way that makes you feel heard and respected?  Or does bringing things up make it worse or create a new problem? 

Do you frequently find yourself making excuses to yourself or your children about his behavior, attitude, demeanor, etc.?

Does he seem to have an entirely different public persona than the one you see at home? 

Do you frequently go out and think you had a great time, but his demeanor changes the second you get back in the car to leave, or upon arriving home?

Do others have a positive opinion of your marriage and family life that makes you uncomfortable because it doesn’t actually match the reality of what’s going on inside the home?

Are you in the habit of making yourself a buffer between him and the kids, trying to address their needs first or manage the discipline before he gets involved because you are uncomfortable with how he handles it? 

Do you find yourself taking on more and more of his burdens, tasks, etc. to reduce his stress because maybe if he was less stressed things would go more smoothly? 

Do you feel tension or panic or stress when you hear him pull up in the driveway? 

Do you find yourself waiting until he is gone or asleep to handle the most basic self care like showering, going to the bathroom, or relaxing because you feel the need to be on call, present, on guard, aware when he is around to avoid problems? 

Are you hypervigilant about his mood and demeanor? 

Are “special days” frequently stressful or ruined in some way?  Maybe not even an obvious way… maybe he just happens to always get sick or injured, or some extremely stressful thing comes up to blow the whole thing up.

Do you feel respected and loved in regards to intimacy? Do you feel safe or respected saying no for any reason? Does he ask you or pressure you to do things that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel that you need to violate your own comfort and standards and boundaries, sexually, to help regulate his mood? Do you feel sexually degraded, or responsible for his fidelity? 

Does the whole household bring their problems and stress to you and seem uncomfortable “bothering” Dad with it? 

Is there room or support for you to have a bad or off day, or to be sick, or to deal with someone else’s needs? 

Is everyone tense or uncomfortable or nervous if Dad is unhappy?

Is there a pattern of things going really well, and receiving what feels like a lot of support and love, only to suddenly flip and everything goes badly seemingly out of the blue leaving you feeling confused and trying to figure out what went wrong or how you messed it up? Write it down and note the frequency if you think there might be. 

Do you feel unsure of yourself or your reality and wonder if you’re just misunderstanding things… like, a LOT? 

If he admits he has some issues and claims to be trying to get better, is HE doing the work to do so, or are you the one researching therapists, finding support groups, recommending books… and probably eventually feeling guilty like you are asking too much and putting too much pressure on and exacerbating the problems? 

 

Is he happy for you when you accomplish something or things go well for you? Or does there seem to be bitterness, or coldness, or indifference, or a diminishing of what you did? 

You all know hitting, putting his hands around your neck, and any kind of violence is never okay right?  It’s the only one people seem to be willing to barely acknowledge. 

What about “lesser” physical things… pushing past you, shoulder checking you when he walks by, squeezing you too hard, cornering you? 

Breaking things? Smashing dishes, putting holes in the wall, breaking doors and cabinets, etc.? 

Hot and cold behavior? 

Can you tell when something seems really off, but he treats you like you are imagining it or crazy? If you persist, did you suddenly just become the source of the problem for noticing something was wrong? 

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time?

Does your spouse seem to have a different set of “rules” for you than himself? 

Does your spouse give endless care and nurturing and importance to his own wounds while leaving yours to bleed out with indifference? (This is intended as a metaphor, but would be pretty messed up in regards to literal wounds as well.) 

This list is not exhaustive. But if you are experiencing some of these things, if you’re feeling isolated, if you want to talk, feel free to talk to me. I’m not saying I can give good advice. I definitely can’t give legal advice. I left, but I left BADLY.  I mean, REALLY badly.  It would be impossible to overstate what a mess I made of leaving. The way I left harmed my children (in addition to the harm they were already experiencing). Note: To be very clear, leaving the marriage did not harm my children.  We are all better for that. But the WAY I left, the way I spiraled was catastrophically bad.  I don’t recommend following that exact path, although I did have some wild experiences and I have some pretty epic stories now. So, I may not be great with the advice, but I will listen. I will believe you. I will empathize. I will support you as best I can.  You can tell me anything and I will not judge you. I will not judge you for staying. I will not judge you for leaving. I will not judge you for things that you have done. Oh, speaking of which, it should be noted, you don’t have to be blameless to still be a victim. You don’t have to be blameless to justify leaving. You really don’t. You may have done some terrible things. You may have done harmful things. Your spouse may use your sins and your mistakes to make you feel obligated to stay and endure harm forever. Nope, nope, nope. False. You can still go. You still have dignity. You still deserve love and care and respect. 

That’s all I’ve got for now.