Pro-Marriage, Pro-Family, Pro-Divorce

Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable a lot of the more vocal Catholics (and Catholic leaders) are in talking about the possibility of legitimate reasons for separation, divorce, and annulment? Begrudgingly, when pressed, some will admit, “Well, ok, if there’s actual abuse, a separation may be permissible, but have you heard of these saints who stayed and suffered and/or died for the sake of their marriage? Have you considered going that route instead?”  Like, what? What exactly is going on with that? Why are people so very squeamish about the very real reality that some marriages really aren’t valid (and probably a lot more than you think)? Or that some marriages that ARE valid still rightly and justly require separation and even legal dissolution? And what the heck do they think qualifies as abuse anyway?  Hint - it’s not only beatings. 

It’s almost as if some think that if we vocally legitimize the existence of illegitimate or harmful marriages, we will have an epidemic of otherwise committed and validly married Catholics suddenly deciding they just don’t feel like bothering with their marriages anymore. And again, like, what? I don’t actually know for sure that that’s what the concern is or why this topic is barely afforded a dismissive sentence or two as though it’s so out of the norm for a marriage to be invalid and/or harmful that it’s hardly worth considering. It’s my best guess. I recently saw a post from a friend that said annulment should NEVER (!) be considered. Keep in mind, an annulment means that the Catholic Church that we claim to have faith in has investigated and determined that the marriage was never valid in the first place.  If we believe in the Catholic Church, then in obedience, we submit to the concept that she has the authority to make such a determination… to say that annulment should never be considered is the equivalent of saying that the truth should never be considered. It’s not okay. It is downright scandalous! Disclaimer: Obviously, no one is obligated to seek an annulment even in the case that one surely would be granted, and we are to presume the marriage is valid unless and until such a ruling is granted. 

Look, it’s time to quit focusing on the wrong things. I get it. The family is the core structure of society and the breakdown of the family leads to the breakdown of society. But how exactly does trapping people in invalid and/or harmful marriages help society? I guarantee you, it doesn’t. 

For the purposes of my rant, I’m going to focus primarily on women as victims trapped in harmful, destructive, desanctifying, society-breaking marriages. I am very aware that men can be victims of harmful toxic women as well. I have seen this up close and first hand. It’s a real thing that needs attention and real discussion. However that is not going to be my focus, which is in no way intended to belittle or dismiss those experiences. 

For starters, discussion of and identification of harmful behavior within marriages needs to become normalized, somehow. In homilies, in marriage prep, by Catholic influencers and celebrities, whoever has a voice. These things are hard to talk about even for those of us who have been through it because it’s deeply personal, it’s humiliating, we have children whose own privacy deserves protecting, and who may not benefit from knowing all of the details themselves. I probably could not bring mysself write this post on behalf of myself alone. I truly don’t believe I can blame anyone but myself for staying in a harmful marriage for far longer than I should have. Nonetheless, I had no idea that I was in a harmful marriage for the vast majority of it. I have spent the past three years or so communicating with and reading the experiences of faithful Catholic women who are being deeply harmed by their marriages but don’t know for sure if it “counts” as bad enough, have never been told that it’s harmful, have been dismissed when they reach out for help, who for many years didn’t even realize that they were being deeply harmed, who never heard a word from those within the Church about what it should and shouldn’t be like. 

I’ve never met a faithful Catholic woman who was eagerly looking for an excuse to get out of her marriage because she just didn’t feel like dealing with the normal pressures and stresses of marriage, or because she wasn’t willing to sacrifice, or she just wasn’t that committed. I can’t think of even one. On the contrary, every woman I have encountered who is being truly and deeply harmed by their spouse in a pattern of harmful ongoing behavior and dynamics wants nothing more than to save her marriage. They sacrifice and then sacrifice some more. They pray. They work on themselves. When the problems seem to get worse instead of better, they sometimes reach for outside help, but they cover for him. They won’t share what’s really happening, and honestly, sometimes they aren’t really even sure. There are sometimes overt things happening that are obvious and easy to spot as wrong, but the rest of the time there are many covert and confusing dynamics and manipulations that lead them to be very uncertain of their own reality or what’s really happening. They don’t know how to seek help or what to say when they do because they aren’t even really sure how to identify the patterns or pervasive, ongoing, harmful behavior because they are so very ready to take the blame for it, or accept it, or try to figure out what THEY are doing to cause it. 

And guess what happens if she does figure it out? If she finds her voice and is finally ready to say clearly and unapologetically what’s really happening? Maybe she goes to a priest or a Catholic therapist. Suddenly, she’s not really believable as a victim. A victim is meek, and sweet, and mild, right?  A woman who says, “This is happening and it’s not okay,” is a bitch and a nag, ungrateful and unappreciative. She probably needs to pray and submit more, and be a little more understanding, right?  How absolutely crushing to finally muster up the courage to reach out for help, to finally shed light on what she has been enduring after years of covering and denial and pain, and be looked at and spoken to with disapproval as though she is clearly pushing him to behave this way with her complaints and bad attitude. And she is isolated and trapped and self doubting again. Trying harder again with no end or solution in sight.

And don’t get me started on couples counseling. Couples counseling is contraindicated for situations of abuse (which again, encompasses so much more than beatings). Couples counseling is great (so I’ve heard) for two people who are willing and wanting to learn how to care for each other better and grow together in love. Normal, non-harmful people have things they need to work on.  Normal, non-harmful people do things that hurt each other sometimes. Couples counseling is for people who want to take responsibility for problems in the marriage and improve individually and together. A victim of abusive behavior cannot take responsibility for their spouse’s harmful behavior. She did not cause it. There are no improvements that she can make that will change it or heal it or fix it. Every so often the counselor recognizes the harmful patterns and reaches out to individually offer help to the one being harmed… but far more often couples counseling escalates and exacerbates the harm being done.

What if we normalized  talking about harmful behavior in marriages? What if there was help and support readily available and known about and advertised for women (men too, but someone else can talk about that, as I said) in harmful marriages? What if it wasn’t so taboo for those who are safe to do so, to talk about harmful behavior in marriage, how to identify it, to have it be common knowledge so that women can recognize it, to support separation, divorce when wise, and annulment when applicable and necessary? Honestly, I don’t know that more information or familiarity with harmful dynamics would have helped me. I am stubborn, I am idealistic, I’m not great at taking advice, I don’t learn my lesson until I cause myself unsustainable harm. That’s me. But if it were common knowledge how to identify persistent, ongoing patterns of harmful behavior, some women might be helped sooner. If little girls grew up hearing what is and is not okay, beyond just the extremes, maybe some seeds would be planted to help them recognize harmful relationships beyond beatings. If we heard more homilies, if Catholic publications and speakers and ministries made it commonplace and comfortable to talk about, maybe more women would realize and get out sooner before even more damage is done. 

You may think the dissolution of a harmful and/or invalid marriage is bad for souls, or bad for the Church or bad for society, but you know what’s REALLY bad for souls, the Church, and society? Traumatized children and perpetuating cycles of harm and abuse. I mean, I kind of get how we can dismiss women… not really, but I know how I have dismissed myself, and how others have done the same to themselves. We’re called to be like Christ, right? He was abused. He was tortured. He suffered. He died. And look at those saintly women!  Look at St. Monica! My best (okay not best, but vague potential) answer for that is what the Bible tells us our relationships are supposed to look like. I have heard two or three homilies on that passage about women submitting to their husbands where the priest, to his credit, made a point to put the focus on the second part where husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. My point is not some kind of tit for tat, that we’re only called to be lovingly submissive IF we pettily assess him to be loving us well enough. Whatever. That’s not my focus here. I’m just saying, it’s the husbands who are commanded to die for us, to shield us from harm, to protect and cherish us. I’m not a biblical scholar, so maybe I’m missing something. But I’m positive that the sacrificial love that we are called to in marriage is NOT intended to promote accepting ongoing, pervasive harm from our spouse and the idea that it is, is a greater threat to the sanctity of marriage than annulment or divorce ever will be. 

So back to the children. Even if you have convinced yourself that you are called to accept ongoing harm as your cross to bear, or if you are not in this kind of marriage yourself, even if you believe that those sinful, selfish women should just pray more and quietly submit and offer it up… you need to slow your roll for a minute. Because I can’t think of a single teaching or way to twist any teaching that justifies harming children and putting them on the cross before they ever learn or experience what true sacrificial love is. There is a movement and a belief that divorce harms children… I’m not saying it doesn’t, but we’re focusing on the wrong thing. I’m not going to sit here and act like divorce is great for kids. It’s not. Divorce is a tragedy. But by the time you get to the point of divorce, almost certainly the harm has been going on for a long time and the dissolution of the marriage, while tragic, may very well be the only way out and the first step towards healing, towards even having a shot, even though the effects of childhood trauma are going to be ongoing, and likely a forever wound. It’s convenient to blame divorce, but it’s shameful to be vocal about the evils of divorce without recognition of why it may be necessary. 

Dysfunctional, harmful marriages harm children. Full stop. Mothers on the receiving end of a pervasive pattern of ongoing harmful behavior often think they can mitigate the damage and hide the harm from their children, but this is a lie we tell ourselves. Smiling harder and pretending everything is fine doesn’t fool them. The children of harmful marriages are often extremely emotionally dysregulated. They do not learn what healthy relationships or sacrificial love is supposed to look like. They have higher rates of anxiety and depression. They often follow the examples that they see, becoming anxious, co-dependent people pleasers to their own detriment and the detriment of their future children, or they don’t know how to handle their own uncomfortable emotions without harming others. They rage. They act out. They self harm. They grow up and enter dysfunctional relationships and continue the cycle. This can happen after divorce too, but the divorce is not the root. We need to go upstream. 

Providing more education to prevent harmful unions in the first place would be a great first step. Supporting those who find themselves in harmful unions and helping them to escape them and move forward in restoring their dignity as a child of God worthy of love and protection, might be a good second step. Look, I don’t really have solutions. My first step towards recognizing the problem and getting help was stumbling across a group of women who had been in similar situations and hearing their stories and learning from what they did to break free. Perhaps one day if I can manage to get back to the practice of my faith I will start a ministry of some kind. I would love to be able to make an announcement after Mass, “If you are experiencing *this* you are not alone and it’s not okay, come to my support group,” or put it in the bulletin. I can already imagine this not being permitted or supported.  That’s okay, I’ll get feisty. I’ll join all the other ministries and Bible studies and women’s groups and make my own little flyers and business cards and get evangelical about it.  I’ll be that problem parishioner that makes people uncomfortable with her new fangled ideas about women’s rights. I’ll take the blame for the destruction of marriages if it helps women recognize that they are being harmed and move forward to protect themselves and their children. But, you know, that’s a long way out… I probably need to start talking to God again and things of that nature first. 

So, having said all that, I think these problems are a lot more common than we want to admit. I think there are a lot of women who are isolated and confused and dying inside.  I think I probably have friends who are in harmful marriages and either haven’t realized it yet, or don’t know what to do about it (I have no names in mind, I just think it’s statistically likely). I’m not a mental health professional, I’m not an expert. I’m just a lady who got out with the help of other ladies who got out.  They probably don’t even know how much they helped me, I mostly read their stories and slowly realized what I was living was not okay. But anyway, as a non-professional, non-expert, I want to give a list in random order of some indicators of a harmful relationship in case it helps anyone.  Any or all of these things, I imagine, could happen on occasion with anyone. A pervasive pattern is fairly key I think. Also, no, this list is not an expose about me and my own marriage. Some of these things happened, some of them didn’t.  I’ve been listening to women’s stories for a long time and these are some pretty common ones, but the list is not exhaustive.

Can you communicate feelings, concerns, problems, hurts, etc. to your spouse and communicate in a way that makes you feel heard and respected?  Or does bringing things up make it worse or create a new problem? 

Do you frequently find yourself making excuses to yourself or your children about his behavior, attitude, demeanor, etc.?

Does he seem to have an entirely different public persona than the one you see at home? 

Do you frequently go out and think you had a great time, but his demeanor changes the second you get back in the car to leave, or upon arriving home?

Do others have a positive opinion of your marriage and family life that makes you uncomfortable because it doesn’t actually match the reality of what’s going on inside the home?

Are you in the habit of making yourself a buffer between him and the kids, trying to address their needs first or manage the discipline before he gets involved because you are uncomfortable with how he handles it? 

Do you find yourself taking on more and more of his burdens, tasks, etc. to reduce his stress because maybe if he was less stressed things would go more smoothly? 

Do you feel tension or panic or stress when you hear him pull up in the driveway? 

Do you find yourself waiting until he is gone or asleep to handle the most basic self care like showering, going to the bathroom, or relaxing because you feel the need to be on call, present, on guard, aware when he is around to avoid problems? 

Are you hypervigilant about his mood and demeanor? 

Are “special days” frequently stressful or ruined in some way?  Maybe not even an obvious way… maybe he just happens to always get sick or injured, or some extremely stressful thing comes up to blow the whole thing up.

Do you feel respected and loved in regards to intimacy? Do you feel safe or respected saying no for any reason? Does he ask you or pressure you to do things that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel that you need to violate your own comfort and standards and boundaries, sexually, to help regulate his mood? Do you feel sexually degraded, or responsible for his fidelity? 

Does the whole household bring their problems and stress to you and seem uncomfortable “bothering” Dad with it? 

Is there room or support for you to have a bad or off day, or to be sick, or to deal with someone else’s needs? 

Is everyone tense or uncomfortable or nervous if Dad is unhappy?

Is there a pattern of things going really well, and receiving what feels like a lot of support and love, only to suddenly flip and everything goes badly seemingly out of the blue leaving you feeling confused and trying to figure out what went wrong or how you messed it up? Write it down and note the frequency if you think there might be. 

Do you feel unsure of yourself or your reality and wonder if you’re just misunderstanding things… like, a LOT? 

If he admits he has some issues and claims to be trying to get better, is HE doing the work to do so, or are you the one researching therapists, finding support groups, recommending books… and probably eventually feeling guilty like you are asking too much and putting too much pressure on and exacerbating the problems? 

 

Is he happy for you when you accomplish something or things go well for you? Or does there seem to be bitterness, or coldness, or indifference, or a diminishing of what you did? 

You all know hitting, putting his hands around your neck, and any kind of violence is never okay right?  It’s the only one people seem to be willing to barely acknowledge. 

What about “lesser” physical things… pushing past you, shoulder checking you when he walks by, squeezing you too hard, cornering you? 

Breaking things? Smashing dishes, putting holes in the wall, breaking doors and cabinets, etc.? 

Hot and cold behavior? 

Can you tell when something seems really off, but he treats you like you are imagining it or crazy? If you persist, did you suddenly just become the source of the problem for noticing something was wrong? 

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time?

Does your spouse seem to have a different set of “rules” for you than himself? 

Does your spouse give endless care and nurturing and importance to his own wounds while leaving yours to bleed out with indifference? (This is intended as a metaphor, but would be pretty messed up in regards to literal wounds as well.) 

This list is not exhaustive. But if you are experiencing some of these things, if you’re feeling isolated, if you want to talk, feel free to talk to me. I’m not saying I can give good advice. I definitely can’t give legal advice. I left, but I left BADLY.  I mean, REALLY badly.  It would be impossible to overstate what a mess I made of leaving. The way I left harmed my children (in addition to the harm they were already experiencing). Note: To be very clear, leaving the marriage did not harm my children.  We are all better for that. But the WAY I left, the way I spiraled was catastrophically bad.  I don’t recommend following that exact path, although I did have some wild experiences and I have some pretty epic stories now. So, I may not be great with the advice, but I will listen. I will believe you. I will empathize. I will support you as best I can.  You can tell me anything and I will not judge you. I will not judge you for staying. I will not judge you for leaving. I will not judge you for things that you have done. Oh, speaking of which, it should be noted, you don’t have to be blameless to still be a victim. You don’t have to be blameless to justify leaving. You really don’t. You may have done some terrible things. You may have done harmful things. Your spouse may use your sins and your mistakes to make you feel obligated to stay and endure harm forever. Nope, nope, nope. False. You can still go. You still have dignity. You still deserve love and care and respect. 

That’s all I’ve got for now. 

Brianne, The Lapsed Catholic

I’ve always been passionate about my Catholic faith. I started really studying the catechism around the age of 14, and what I loved most was the logic of it. My devotion to my faith has primarily always been from a logical/academic standpoint. I envy those who talk about their personal relationship with God because I don’t quite know what that means or what that would feel like. I have always felt quite assured of the truth of my belief system, and therefore I loved God out of obligation, but I was never smitten with him. I would have loved to have been smitten with God. I have been smitten with men, so I know what that feels like. Presumably (hopefully) it’s not necessary to FEEL smitten with God to receive salvation. I think there are pros and cons to my experience with faith. On the pro side, it’s nearly impossible to lose my faith no matter how miserable, disenchanted, or disillusioned I feel. I’ve actually tried once or twice. Falling out of PRACTICE of my faith is easy. I have done so frequently throughout my life, at least in small ways, even when I was trying and intending to do well. But to actually stop believing in the truth of God and who I believe he has shown himself to be, and the teachings that I believe he has given us?  I couldn’t. I can’t. That belief is rooted in my brain and not my heart and when pressed to think it through, it remains the most logical and rational system of belief for me.  The downside of my faith residing in my brain rather than my heart, is that I find little to no consolation from it in my darkest, most painful times. Many times throughout the years, in the midst of great suffering, I have done the things that I know, not believe, KNOW (according to my belief system, lol) will provide me with grace. The truth is, I didn’t feel relief, I didn’t yearn for God, I found it burdensome.  I went to Mass, I went to Confession a lot, I prayed my rosary both with my family and alone. And I received grace for those acts of faith. I knew it then and I know it now - intellectually. But I felt no consolation. The best I could come up with is to think how much worse it might have been without those graces. 

My current difficulty with practicing my faith has nothing to do with questioning my belief system. It’s not about that. I don’t “blame” God. I still get all the things about free will and a fallen world and all the true answers we give to explain how a benevolent God could allow X, Y, and Z to happen. I understand the economy of grace. As one who believes in the teachings of the Catholic Church, I understand my obligation to practice my faith as taught by the Church, as revealed by Christ in the deposit of faith both in Scripture and Tradition and I understand that my lack of ignorance on these matters results in fairly significant culpability both in regards to my own soul and my responsibility for the souls of my children. My children… NOW I feel something. Dear God, what have I done to my children? How could I have failed them so miserably, and with this realization why have I not corrected it, or at least attempted, with great haste and urgency? 

The best answer that I can give is that I think I might be traumatized. Do I believe that God or the Church have traumatized me?  No, that would be foolish according to my particular thought processes. I know better than that. But my nervous system doesn’t seem to share my faith or my thought processes. I’m starting to freeze even as I begin to try to explain what happens in my brain and body when I try to pray or go into Church. I like to try to be at least a little eloquent in my writing and I generally find that I can explain the nuances and subtle details of my thoughts and feelings in writing far better than I can verbally. I don’t think that’s going to happen right now, so this might be clunky. Right now I can feel my heart rate increasing. I have tightness in my chest. I just noticed that I’m looking away from the computer screen as I type as though I can’t make eye contact. There goes the leg jiggling. I’ve stopped and started typing several times. Tears are forming. I want to run away right now. I feel light headed. It feels like panic. I want to think about anything else at all. My thoughts are fuzzy. My shoulders and arms are tight. My calves and feet are flexed and tense. It feels like panic. I don’t feel ok. 

I know I sound dramatic. I HATE being dramatic in public. I prefer to reassure everyone that I’m fine all the time. Heaven forbid I make anyone else uncomfortable with my stupid feelings. This is hard for me to share. I hate making excuses.  And I don’t know what to do because right now I can’t do it.  I can’t analyze it very well because it’s confusing and like I said, my brain is all fuzzed up and numb. My best guess is that the times I most fervently practiced my faith happened to coincide with the times that some of the worst things I’ve experienced were happening to me. Some events in my life that I believed with all my heart were signs of God’s presence and love for me turned out to be the greatest deceptions I ever bought into and the most massive sources of pain and suffering.  I don’t  blame God. That would be dumb (according to my belief system and thought patterns, I’m not judging anyone who does blame God). But against my will, and against my sense of reason and logic, I am terrified. Petrified. I am an emotional irrational creature who responds like a cornered animal when I try to face God, and this side of me is completely at odds with my thinking brain, and the disconnect and inability to overcome it vexes me, to put it mildly. 

It is my greatest hope and intention to overcome this and return to the practice of my faith because I believe it is right and good and necessary to do so. I’ve taken a couple of steps lately. Maybe it’s just one step. Every so often I very quickly and succinctly ask God to bring me back to the Church somehow, before I panic and distract myself with something else. It’s the best I’ve got for right now. Please do pray for me and for my children. I feel the weight of what I have done to their faith and formation the most. 

I thought I was going to make one very long post because next up I want to talk about divorce and annulment, and why I think we Catholics need to change the way we talk about it and think about it. But I’m discombobulated now, so look forward to my thoughts on that later, ha ha.