Again, this is a SATIRE - none of it's true! When I first shared this with some of my online friends several of them thought it was real at first.
Tales From the Teepee
Now that things have begun to settle down, I thought I would document the details of our exile from Colorado. It has been a long and perilous journey, but it will be worth it in the end.
About a week before our journey, the HBEA (Hospital Birth Enforcement Agency) got wind of our plans to flee the state for a twin homebirth in Utah. They spent 4 days camped outside of our house doing surveillance, ready to apprehend us if we made any attempts to exit the state or, God forbid, birth right there at home.
We had to devise a plan for our escape. Josh and Alexandra got in the van and pulled out of the garage. Of course, the HBEA stopped them for questioning and Josh told them he was just going to the store for some groceries. Because I wasn’t in the car, there wasn’t much else they could do, so they had to let him go. Josh pulled around the corner to wait for the boys and me. Meanwhile the rest of the plan fell into place. We hired a look alike of me to wear a pregnancy suit. Once Josh was around the corner she ran out on the opposite end of the street yelling “My twins are coming! My twins are coming!” The decoy worked, and the HBEA team rushed down the street to apprehend her. They strapped her to a board, shoved her into an ambulance and rushed off to the hospital. During the ruckus, I climbed onto the boys’ skateboard and they pushed me as fast as they could to the van. Sebastian almost fell behind, but the loss would have been acceptable as the children (all five of them) are secondary to my birth plan.
We managed to all make it to the van and Josh set off at high-speed toward Utah. It was a raging blizzard and the roads were slick. Under any other circumstances we would have stopped to seek out shelter, but we knew that it wouldn’t be long before the HBEA discovered our ruse.
As we were nearing the border they finally caught up with us. Getting through the border was an intense and dramatic scene. As we approached the Utah border guards we rolled down our windows, screaming, “We are seeking refuge to homebirth twins!!” Meanwhile the HBEA was gaining on us brandishing their scalpels and forceps. At the last minute, the guards parted to let us through and blocked the HBEA from apprehending us. It was reminiscent of the scene towards the end of “The Saint” where the girl is running to the US Embassy screaming “I’m an American citizen! Let me in!!”
We were able to stop and breathe for a few minutes once we were safe inside the Utah borders, but we still had a long way to go. We drove to a remote area in the Utah mountains and met our midwife. She brought an old grey wolf with her to be our doula. The wolf herself has birthed several sets of twins, and as such is very qualified and experienced in twin birth. Additionally, when the babies are born she will chew the umbilical cords, which is important because we are not allowing any of that devil medical equipment like clamps and scissors at our birth. After the birth my husband will make the placenta into a savory stew, which we will all partake in together.
After meeting and discussing our birth plans, the grey wolf led us on foot on an ancient trail up into the mountains. After a three-hour hike, we reached the hot spring pool in which I will give birth. During the long and arduous trek the children seemed to develop frostbite on their toes and feet and asked to stop many times, but we forced them to press on, because, as I mentioned before, the birth plan is the only important factor here. I WILL have the birth I want, screw the kids poor frostbitten toes.
After arriving at the birth site, it only took a few more hours to erect our teepee. It is a very nice teepee, I am proud of our craftsmanship. We were even able to get wireless internet access!
For now we are just resting and waiting for the babies to come. The boys are waiting on us hand and foot, in order to prepare them for the buddy system, which we will undoubtedly be needing to employ, as parenting isn’t really my thing. I do enough work with all of the birthing that I do to be bothered with parenting.
I will keep everyone updated as the rest of the story unfolds.
About a week before our journey, the HBEA (Hospital Birth Enforcement Agency) got wind of our plans to flee the state for a twin homebirth in Utah. They spent 4 days camped outside of our house doing surveillance, ready to apprehend us if we made any attempts to exit the state or, God forbid, birth right there at home.
We had to devise a plan for our escape. Josh and Alexandra got in the van and pulled out of the garage. Of course, the HBEA stopped them for questioning and Josh told them he was just going to the store for some groceries. Because I wasn’t in the car, there wasn’t much else they could do, so they had to let him go. Josh pulled around the corner to wait for the boys and me. Meanwhile the rest of the plan fell into place. We hired a look alike of me to wear a pregnancy suit. Once Josh was around the corner she ran out on the opposite end of the street yelling “My twins are coming! My twins are coming!” The decoy worked, and the HBEA team rushed down the street to apprehend her. They strapped her to a board, shoved her into an ambulance and rushed off to the hospital. During the ruckus, I climbed onto the boys’ skateboard and they pushed me as fast as they could to the van. Sebastian almost fell behind, but the loss would have been acceptable as the children (all five of them) are secondary to my birth plan.
We managed to all make it to the van and Josh set off at high-speed toward Utah. It was a raging blizzard and the roads were slick. Under any other circumstances we would have stopped to seek out shelter, but we knew that it wouldn’t be long before the HBEA discovered our ruse.
As we were nearing the border they finally caught up with us. Getting through the border was an intense and dramatic scene. As we approached the Utah border guards we rolled down our windows, screaming, “We are seeking refuge to homebirth twins!!” Meanwhile the HBEA was gaining on us brandishing their scalpels and forceps. At the last minute, the guards parted to let us through and blocked the HBEA from apprehending us. It was reminiscent of the scene towards the end of “The Saint” where the girl is running to the US Embassy screaming “I’m an American citizen! Let me in!!”
We were able to stop and breathe for a few minutes once we were safe inside the Utah borders, but we still had a long way to go. We drove to a remote area in the Utah mountains and met our midwife. She brought an old grey wolf with her to be our doula. The wolf herself has birthed several sets of twins, and as such is very qualified and experienced in twin birth. Additionally, when the babies are born she will chew the umbilical cords, which is important because we are not allowing any of that devil medical equipment like clamps and scissors at our birth. After the birth my husband will make the placenta into a savory stew, which we will all partake in together.
After meeting and discussing our birth plans, the grey wolf led us on foot on an ancient trail up into the mountains. After a three-hour hike, we reached the hot spring pool in which I will give birth. During the long and arduous trek the children seemed to develop frostbite on their toes and feet and asked to stop many times, but we forced them to press on, because, as I mentioned before, the birth plan is the only important factor here. I WILL have the birth I want, screw the kids poor frostbitten toes.
After arriving at the birth site, it only took a few more hours to erect our teepee. It is a very nice teepee, I am proud of our craftsmanship. We were even able to get wireless internet access!
For now we are just resting and waiting for the babies to come. The boys are waiting on us hand and foot, in order to prepare them for the buddy system, which we will undoubtedly be needing to employ, as parenting isn’t really my thing. I do enough work with all of the birthing that I do to be bothered with parenting.
I will keep everyone updated as the rest of the story unfolds.
And that's all she wrote......
