So, potty training is a hot topic among moms. Lots of angst and debate about the best method, the best age, etc. etc. My take on it?
No, really - if it's difficult, a struggle, a challenge, you're stressing out, participating in online brawls or the recipient of a facebook smack down about potty training...it's not worth your time. Because guess what? Developmentally typical children all learn how to use the toilet eventually. When/if your kids go to college, I promise that you won't be able to tell the difference between the kids who potty trained at 18 months and the ones who potty trained at 2, or 3, or heaven forbid even 4. Now, the EC kids may have an academic advantage. I'm not sure - I only know one and she's crazy smart but it's hard to say if that's good genes or has something to do with her potty training method. I'd need a bigger sample size, and lets face it....(see above picture).
Furthermore, potty training is just downright inconvenient. I mean, even when they decide they want to use the toilet, let's be honest - it causes complications. There are accidents, in public and at home. No matter where you are or what you're doing, when they say they have to go you have to drop everything and find a bathroom (or tree (ha ha)) stat! There are events where you have no option but to take you're little kid into a gross port-a-potty and keep them from falling in and you long for the diaper days. And so forth. Obviously we do these things and manage these things for our kids as needed - that's our job. But as far as I'm concerned there is no need to rush or force your way into this particularly inconvenient phase. And the earlier you decide potty training is the number one goal in life, the longer this phase usually lasts.
"But wait!", you tell me. "I tried this method and it worked! It could work for everyone!" Here's the thing. All toddlers are different. Snowflakes and all that. I try not to use my Mother-of-8 status to be a know-it-all, because let's face it- A) That's obnoxious as hell, and B) I'm barely passable at this mothering thing. But one thing I will declare with all the force of my credentials behind it is that there is no One Method (of pretty much anything) that works for all kids. There just isn't. While there are a bazillion different little quirks and idiosyncrasies I will outline below three common toddler types:
1) The Insufferenabler
Don't be fooled by the name. These toddlers are delightful! Every one deserves at least one....for the sake of your friends and the internet at large, let's hope it's your second or third, but regardless, I genuinely hope everyone gets one of these. These children think that every idea their mother has is pretty much the most brilliant thing they've ever heard! They are eager to please, every new food is their favorite, they love to sleep, and when mom says, "Let's try something new," they say (perhaps in not so many words), "Nothing would please me more, mama!" Some may take slightly more effort than that. They may at first resist, but when mama pulls out the "methods" and the "tried and true tricks" they fall right in line. Some signs that you might have an Insufferenabler are if you find your self saying or posting things like, "Oh really? I've found that if you just do this it solves all the problems."; "Doing x from birth has really helped establish a relationship of trust from the beginning and paved the way for success in y."; "All toddlers can be potty trained (sleep trained, food trained, wearing-pants-trained, etc.) you just have to follow this plan."; "If you don't teach them to do x now (which was incredibly easy for me to do) you will set them up for so.much.failure. in life."
2) The Conspiracy Theorist
These toddlers do not trust you. They are convinced that everything you try to do is a secret plot to kill them, or at a minimum cause them extreme suffering. They can be found to be giving you the side eye on a regular basis. That look that says, "Wait, that thing you did yesterday that I loved...you're trying it again today? What's going on here...what kind of fool do you think I am?? I'm on to you woman!!" Should you try to press the issue in any way - gently, sternly, coaxingly, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, whatever - they will immediately go into preemptive death throes just to demonstrate how dire the situation is and what could happen if you proceed. When you try new things you are ruining their life.
3) The Doofus
These are the toddlers who happily go about living their (exceptionally irrational and often destructive) lives with no care one way or another for your opinions. Give them a potty chair and they'll be psyched they just got a new hat and a stool. Show them a toilet, and they've now got an indoor pool! These children may be pleasant (when they are not destroying all the things) and seem compliant while actually having no intention of doing (or quite possibly, simply have no idea) what you want them to do.
Now, in my personal experience, Types 2 and 3 are a little more common in toddlers than Type 1. It's just that the mommy's of Insufferenablers happen to be a little more vocal than the rest. So, if you're a wreck because you just dropped $27 on an ebook and locked yourself in house with a feral toddler on a sugar high for three days with nothing more to show for it than some new carpet stains and concerned neighbors, take it easy on yourself and take comfort in the fact that there are so so many type 2 and 3 moms NOT speaking up. And besides, now you know that there is some random mom of 8 on the internet who has 7 kids (so far, maybe #8 will blow my stats) who all started using the toilet with little to no training and teaching. It's just one of those things that they do - some sooner, some later, but they all do it eventually.
If you want to potty train and have a Type 1, absolutely go for it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it and I'm truly happy for you. If for some reason it's really important to you to potty train, even if it's a struggle, I fully support you. We mom's all have our own personalities too, and if it's better for your sanity while not crossing the line of being damaging to theirs - do what you've got to do and I wish you well. But if you find that nothing is working and you're obsessing and stressing about it all the time, and everyone's sanity is deteriorating - I strongly recommend pulling back.
So what DO I do? I casually make them aware that there is a toilet or a potty chair available for such purposes. When they follow me into the bathroom, as of course they all do, I make mention of what I'm doing and tell them, "When you're a big kid, you'll get to use the toilet too! If you ever want to try it let me know!" At some point when I get the inkling that they might be close to being ready I buy a bag of treats (we like Hershey Kisses). I let them see it but don't make a huge deal over it and very casually mention that whenever they start using the toilet (I use more specific terms than that, but really, I don't enjoy potty-talk with adults, so I'll refrain on my blog) they'll get one, and then I put them away in an inaccessible place. I don't bring it up all the time because for some toddlers (particularly Conspiracy Theorists and those just not ready) this can cause stress. Then, one day when they decide to give it a try and succeed I give them a chocolate and congratulate them and let them know that I will give them a chocolate every time. They may do it a few times and then quit for weeks or months. No big deal. No need to stress. They'll get back to it and at some point they'll be out of diapers for good.
And there you have my "tried and true method" of (not really) potty training. Feel free to send me 27 bucks.
Re EC...I have sometimes pondered how on earth babies were brought across the Great Plains in covered wagons, without dying of horrendous diaper rash. I'm guessing it was known back then, too, but the knowledge was lost. Hence diapers from birth on became the norm. (But I also love your easy laidback way to potty train!)
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