Why I Don't Bathe

If you know any moms, you have probably heard at least one of them say, "I hardly have time to shower!", or something along those lines.  It seems to be a fairly cliche mom line. I don't know if it's true or not for these moms, who like to say it with that happy knowing mom laugh. 

When I had the kids in school it seemed that every other mother at the drop off was showered, perfectly groomed and made up.  Meanwhile, I hid in my car slouched down in my husbands ratty sweats which most likely had food stains, and my clown hair frizzed out to at least a foot from my head,  hoping that no one would try to smile and wave at me (which they didn't, and then I felt rejected).  I was always very proud of myself if I managed to improve my appearance by pick up time.

I don't know that my bathing and grooming problem is so much related to time as it might be to fear of what my children might do to the house while I'm in the shower.  I really do think there is typically plenty of time in a day to shower.  Quite honestly, when I hear other moms talking about not having enough time to shower, for whatever reason I tend to hear it as: "I devote so much of my time to being a perfectly perfect super mom to my 2.5 children that my daily shower is my one and only selfish indulgence." 

So, as I said, despite having 6 children, I do think I have "time" to shower.  But today was a perfect example of why I often choose not to do so.  Isaak spent the night with his cousin last night and so the rest of us were meeting my father-in-law and Isaak for dinner to retrieve him.  Being rather grubby, as I often am, I decided I'd best shower before going out in public. 

I made sure that Jane was napping and that everyone was peaceful before I made my escape.  I came out of the shower feeling clean and refreshed.  Then I walked downstairs... 

Apparently Alexandra and the twins decided that they should make "hot chocolate" while I was in the shower.  This entailed using unsweetened cocoa powder, water and milk and, I guess because they were unable to find any cups, mixing the concoction by pouring it all over the kitchen floor and rolling in it?  I mean, I really can't come up for any other explanation for the sight that greeted me.

There was wet chocolaty sludge from one end of the kitchen floor to the other.  Alexandra and the twins were brown from head to toe - which would be fine if they weren't primarily German and Irish.  Alexandra looked guilty, but Dante and Dominic seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment.  The pointed at the floor and said, "Look!  We made hot chocolate!" 

Sebastian, meanwhile, was a few feet away on the couch completely engrossed in an animal magazine.  Until I made some sort of guttural animalistic noise, at which point he glanced up and said, "Whoa, what happened?"

I may have started ranting and raving at that point.  I may have said something along the lines of, "Why do you guys use every opportunity to destroy our house??  You don't seem to appreciate having a house at all!  Do you know some people don't even have houses?  Since you seem so hell bent on destroying our house, maybe we shouldn't have a house!  Maybe we should just go live on the street!"

At which point Alexandra started sobbing.  I felt a little remorseful for being so harsh.  But then she said, "If we live on the street then I will get run over by a car!"  So rather than being consumed by guilt like I had thought, she was picturing living, quite literally in the middle of the street with cars coming at us.  I explained that "living in the street" was a figure of speech, and homeless people more often live on sidewalks and benches and parks.  She thought living in a park sounded fun, and managed to make a full recovery from my overzealous lecture. 

I told her to start getting towels to clean up the sludge while I ran back up the stairs to restart the shower.  On the way up I heard Jane awake so asked Sebastian to get her for me.  Apparently he took this to mean "Go get Jane, take her into the kitchen, roll her around in the sludge, and THEN bring her to me."  Okay, he probably didn't really do that, but it seems like the most plausible explanation for how, in two minutes time, she managed to be come a bigger mess than her three delinquent siblings combined. 

Fine.  Whatever.  I got everyone showered and then I mandated that they all sit on my bed and not leave my room while I ran up and down the stairs gathering clothes and shoes.  See, I knew from experience that if I let any one of them set foot outside my room they would magically be covered in chocolate again.

Miraculously we made it to the restaurant, a hot dog joint, early.  After dinner, Grandpa treated everyone to ice cream.  Dante was so very cautious with his ice cream, but after some time, it started dripping.  He panicked and requested napkins, proclaiming agitatedly, "I don't want to get my clothes dirty!"  All I could do was stare at him, mouth agape, before I let out a guffaw followed by a full on belly laugh. 

Was this the same child who just a few hours before was completely coated in chocolate?  Where did his new found desire for cleanliness come from?  My lecture perhaps?  Maybe he was sitting there thinking, "If I get my clothes dirty, my mom is going to make me live in the street where I will be run over by cars."  I watched in fascination as he carefully cleaned every drip, not only off of himself, but also off of the table.  I will be carefully watching tomorrow to see if he continues this new cleanly lifestyle. 

Throughout the afternoon, I was reminded to appreciate Isaak more.  I believe I have mentioned before that he has a tendency to be bossy.  While it can be a bit overdone at times, he does frequently prevent disasters like this from occurring.  The next time he comes storming up to me with a bottle of barbecue sauce, or bottle of shampoo, or bag of cocoa powder and says, "LOOK what those naughty twins and Alexandra were getting into," I must make sure to thank him profusely and remember today (and the other day, and a few days before that, etc.), and appreciate that this is one less disaster that I have to clean up (or look at, storm off angrily, avoid it as long as possible, and THEN clean up).