Two for Two

Mothering twins regularly puts me into a dilemma of "fairness".  It is pretty much impossible to do all things equally all the time.  Instead, I try to be in tune with their individual needs so that even if they are not getting the same treatment all of the time, hopefully, they are each getting what they need most.

When I was pregnant with Jane, I encouraged them to wean.  My main motivation was that I felt I couldn't handle nursing three babies.  I had done it before and it was exhausting.  Dante was already weaning himself.  He only really thought of nursing when he saw his brother doing it, and even then his sessions were quite short.  Dominic took a little more persuasion.  Had it been overly traumatic for him, I would not have forced the issue, but for the most part he was disgruntled yet accepting.

After Jane was born they both wanted to try nursing again.  Sucker that I am (literally), I allowed it to help ease any jealousy of the new baby.  I was relieved that they had both forgotten how to latch.  From there on, I allowed them to "nurse" whenever they asked, once every other day or so, initiated by Dominic and copied by Dante.  It was a 2 second event and an easy way to reassure them that they were still my babies.

One day, Dominic got a latch and man was that kid thrilled.  Now he wanted to nurse all the time, so we had to establish some boundaries.  He is allowed to nurse during the night - because I am to tired to do anything about it - or first thing in the morning if he hasn't already nursed all night, but during the day time they are sole property of Jane.

When Dominic started nursing regularly, Dante asked a few more times.  He still could not latch, and almost never tries anymore.  On the one hand, I'm relieved - nursing two kids is a piece of cake, 3 is just a bit much - on the other hand I feel terribly guilty about the "unfairness" of it.  Dominic naturally snuggles more because of his nursing time.  Dante is missing out on all of the benefits of breast milk that Dominic is getting.  (As a side note, I think they would make wonderful candidates for a breastfeeding study on the effects of long-term breastfeeding. If you know anyone who would like to pay us lots of money to observe the differences between the twins I would be happy to exploit that.)

To make up for the disparity, I make a point to invite Dante to come have snuggle time all by himself every day, and I feed him raw unpasteurized milk from an organic free range goat.  Just kidding.  I don't give him goat milk, but I do try to give him extra snuggles.

Last night I slept in my recliner chair and Dominic nursed all night.  Early this morning I was awakened suddenly by the feeling of flying, falling and thudding.  Naturally I was alarmed and discombobulated and I shrieked with terror.  Apparently Dante had tried to climb up the head rest to sit with me and tipped the chair over backwards.  Dominic had already gotten up, so I was the only one overturned.

Overall, the ordeal was more traumatic for Dante than it was for me.  Between the chair falling over and my screaming, he was quite startled.  He stuck out his sad little lip and said, "I'm sorry mama, I help you!"  Getting up was an ordeal in itself.  I lay there, halfway upside down and floundering, kicking my  legs and trying use the the banister behind me to pull myself up with my arms. 

Once righted, Dante was still pretty distraught and asked to nurse.  Since Dante doesn't actually know how to nurse, and misses out on all the nursing that his brother does, I readily agree to "nurse" anytime he wants, which is almost never.  He gave it quite an effort, squeezing and pulling, but as usual, was not able to manage a latch.

Dominic came along and saw the activities and demanded to have the "other mamas".  I gave him a big smile and reminded him that he had already nursed all night, and now it was Dante's turn.  He climbed up to sit next to me and pout.  Of course I felt guilty that this was unfair, because Dominic didn't understand why Dante was not subject to the established nursing schedule.  I whispered to him that Dante wasn't really nursing, that he was only pretending to nurse because he didn't know how.  Far from appeasing him, he first suggested that he also pretend to nurse, and then, helpfully offered to teach Dante how it's done.

I resisted and he sullenly lay his head on my shoulder.  I watched Dante's antics some more and when I turned back to Dominic I was startled to see that he was nursing.  I'm not sure how he managed it.  It was through the neck hole of my shirt and his approach must have been in super-stealth mode because I never felt it coming.  Dante didn't seem to have any reaction of "Hey, he nurses all the time and I don't even know how, why can't I just have this to myself??" and I figured that I could probably make the stipulation to Dominic's nursing schedule that he could nurse at night or first thing in the morning OR when his brother is pretending to nurse without totally blowing the established boundaries, so I just let it go.